Welcome to the Mental Note podcast. I’m your host, Dr. Gerard Pulley. I came to put something on your mind, to give you something to think about, something to pull apart, and something to bring back together.

On the Mental Note podcast, we bring together our spirituality as well as our theology, our spirituality as well as our psychology so that we can live holistically healthy, balanced, and well rounded lives. And I’m giving you tips to make that happen. I’m giving you strategies to make that happen.

Right now, we’re currently in a series called Living the Dream, and we’re interviewing and talking to various people about the dream of their lives. Today’s guest, Renee Denard, is telling us about the dream of healing and a second chance at life. Yes, again, I’m Dr. Durrell Rpulley.

I am a minister and a mental health profess, and this is the Mental Note. Hi, Renee. How you doing today? I am excellent.

How are you? I am absolutely wonderful. So glad to have you with us on the Mental Note podcast. We’re talking about living the dream.

And I see that you are living the dream. Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

For a long time, I didn’t even know what my dream was. I didn’t have any idea. I knew that I desired to be happy, all right.

I knew I desired to be healthy. I knew I desired to be prosperous, all right. But I just didn’t know what could kind of get me there.

Gotcha. You know, it was just like how you have, like, trial and error and you keep trying to figure something out, and then all of a sudden, spirit just brings something to you. And for me, spirit decided that I would do a health journey.

And I’d never been a sickly person. You know, I’ve had different things diagnosed, but I was never a sickly person. I was always able to do things.

But last year in September, I started itching. Wow. And it was just like, why am I itching? Well, I had been to my cousins in Tallahassee, and they are vegetarians and they have their own vegetable garden.

And of course, me, not really being familiar with walking in gardens, decided to go out in the garden. Okay. So when I went out in the garden, what do I do? I step in an ant bed.

Wow. So I step in this ambit, and I’m wondering, why are my feet. Because I have old sandals in a vegetable garden.

And I’m wondering, why? What is this stinging? And I look down and my ankles are covered with these ants. Wow. So I’ve immediately started doing whatever they told me to Do.

Because, you know, I was just trying to brush them off. And after doing that, that evening, I was just itching. Huh.

So for me, I thought maybe it was a result of the ants. Got you. Okay.

And then sense that if you are walking an ant in a garden and there are ants and then your feet are itching and you getting again. And I think even just the idea of having ants on the feet, they itch. Yes.

So I told my cousin, I said, you know, I’m just itching. So we started trying to figure out ways to take care of the itching. We changed the linen on my bed, we changed the detergent she was using.

Wow. We got different kind. We got.

When is it? Benadryl? Yes, everything. Yeah, Benadryl, all that. Nothing helped.

So the itching continued and it got to be over a 24 hour period. It was a non stop itching. I could not sleep, I could not do anything.

And I still kept going. I still kept going, like, well, I’ve handled other stuff, so I’ll just scratch, you know, I just scratch. And then came October.

Well, in October, there was time for a convocation. What’s a convocation? Okay. A convocation is a gathering of spiritual leaders, collective consciousness people, okay? And we get together and we work together to continue to expand our consciousness in spirit, in our soul, in our body.

And so as we do that, we have different workshops and celebrations and people ordained and licensed and all of that. So it’s like a spiritual convention. It’s a spiritual convention.

That’s the word. That’s a thank you. It’s a spiritual convention.

Well, at the end of the spiritual convention, several people came up to me and said, you don’t look well. And I was like, but I feel okay. They said, but you don’t look well.

I said, okay. So finally, one of the people who were there from New York, they were in their car preparing to leave and stopped the car, got out the car and came to me. And people called me Shepherd Mother.

And she came over, she said, shepherd Mother, what does Shepherd Mother mean? Shepherd Mother means that I am the mother to a lot of people. It means that I’m a type of shepherd and I have a flock, okay? And the flock listens to me, okay? God did that. I didn’t do that.

All right? Because even. Even at that, just for a minute there, when I was told that I was going to be. And I am the international mother of this organization that I was saying, and when they told me that, I was like, are you sure? Because, you know, I never felt myself being motherly, but I digressed.

So at any rate, the person from New York said, I’ve been in the medical field for over 20 years, and you don’t look good, so you need to see a doctor. Well, as God would have it, I already had an appointment to see a doctor when I came back from Baltimore. Gotcha.

And so I had to go get some lab work done. You know, when you go to the doctor, they want you to do lab work first. And so I went and did the lab work.

I went to see the doctor. I told the doctor about the itching. He says, well, I’m looking at your test, and your bilirubin is too high.

I’m like, who is Billy Rubin? You know, So I don’t know. Like it was a person. I’d say, well, who is Billy Ruby? But at any rate, he said, no, that counts the toxins in your liver.

So he said, it’s supposed to be 0.03, but yours is 26. Wow.

Yeah. That’s why you were itching. So that’s why I was itching.

Got you. Okay. That is why I was itching.

And so at that point, right in his office, he called a gastroenterologist and said, you need to see her today. I love my doctor for that. He said, you need to see her today.

And he made an appointment with this gastroenterologist right away. I went to see him, had a series of tests, and was told that I had a blockage and in my bile duct, some little tumor, some. Something that was causing a blockage.

Okay. So I said, okay. And so from that, I had one surgery.

The surgery was to make way to clear up the blockage. So they put what they call stents in my pancreas, in my liver and in my spleen, because he said my spleen and my liver had expanded. Well, I’m still not feeling bad, so I’m still just listening and saying, okay, whatever you tell me to do, I’ll do it.

So they put these stents in, and a couple of weeks later, of course, my urine got clear and I wasn’t itching. So then they called me back in to do another surgery to take the stents out. Gotcha.

Okay. So then I had the stents taken out. At that time, they informed me that whatever it was that was blocking my bile duct was malignant.

The first surgery, they told me it was benign. Second surgery, they told me it was malignant. And they went on to schedule me for surgery to remove it.

Got you. They Said that it was going to be a simple surgery unless something happened. They were going to do laparoscopy, and then if something had to happen, they would have to go ahead and open me up.

And, of course, the latter happened. I had surgery for eight hours. Okay.

And they came to me and they told me that they couldn’t get it. And at the same time that they told me they couldn’t get it, they also told me I had stage four cancer. Wow.

Wow. Stage four cancer. And I’m sitting there going, so I think with cancer, the stages are stage one.

Yes. Stage three, and then stage four. Stage four is the.

Is the final. Is the final stage. Okay.

And in that final stage, they told me that the cancer had spread and that I. Oh, and I needed a liver transplant. Okay. Yeah.

And of course, me, I don’t know what it is that God has done for me that allows me not to panic. I guess I just have no fear because I know God’s love. And I just said, well, you know, I’m 76 years old.

What list do you think that I’m going to get on that will allow me to have a transplant in time? So he said, well, I don’t know. And I think he even talked to you. Yes, he did.

He did. And they were saying that the prognosis was very slim. Yeah, they were saying that you had, like, six months to live and that chemo and radiation might give you an extra month or two.

Yeah. And so that was, like, not happening for me. You know, God does things in your life to prepare you for stuff like this.

And sometimes when God does this, we look at it and think, why on earth would I have to be a witness to this? And I say that because I was married for 41 years, the last 13 years of my husband’s life. He was a paraplegic from multiple myeloma cancer, and he was paralyzed from the chest down. And I was his caregiver.

And in those 13 years, the last maybe three or four, they gave him chemotherapy. Of course, it didn’t affect him much, but I was in the room with him and other people who were having the chemotherapy, and they were so sick. My God.

I mean, they were bringing buckets in for them because they were so nauseous. And I was just like I told the doctor, I said, if I only have six months to live, I’m not going to do any radiation. I’m not going to do any chemotherapy.

That is not the way that I am. So how long was it ago that they told you that you had the six months to live in February. Okay, In February.

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Thank you so much for continuing with us on the Mental Note podcast. Let us pick up our discussion. So the six months.

August is August. And so you have lived beyond the six months? The six months, yes. And you haven’t had chemo? I haven’t had chemo.

You haven’t had radiation? I have not had radiation. You didn’t have a liver transplant? I did not have a liver transplant. So tell me about the dream.

What happened? How did you get from stage four cancer to how you look today? You look absolutely wonderful. Well, yes, but I tell you, there were some steps I had to take. You know, a lot of times we carry things with us.

We carry a lot of things with us. We carry guilt, we carry fear, we carry anger. And I had to get to a point where something needed to be done about that.

And I had had situations that had really affected me that really put me into an area of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness. So how did you connect unforgiveness with the cancer? The way that I connected it is that the unforgiveness had festered inside of me.

And so it only caused toxins and illness to come because there was nowhere for it to go, because I was holding onto it. So there was nowhere for it to go. So you believe that sickness, pain, disease, discomfort and dysfunction is not just physical? No, it is not.

No, that is. No, it’s not. It’s a thing inside of you.

It’s a mental. It’s a mental thing. And there has to be some type of spirituality that you have to get to in order to rid yourself of it, in order to bring it out and heal it.

And so I think I was talking with you and you said, well, you know, you need to forgive yourself or whatever it is. I don’t know what it is, but you need to forgive yourself and you need to forgive people. Because I said that to you.

Because I’ve worked maybe seven, eight people and Healing themselves of cancer. And every time I’ve worked with someone in healing themselves of cancer, the root was always unforgiveness. Well, the root was unforgiveness.

And those that were able to work through and forgive themselves and forgive others were able to heal themselves. And those that weren’t, they transitioned. Well, I tell you something, if there’s any way that you can forgive, it needs to be done.

Because even after you told me that it took me some weeks, you suggested that I make a list of the people that I had not forgiven and the things that I needed to forgive myself for. And so in my head, I could understand what you were saying, but I just hadn’t reached it yet. You know, I was just.

I was still, I believe, somewhat angry about the fact that this had happened to me, you know, so that was a part of forgiveness, too, Forgiving whatever bad had happened to me. So it was about maybe four or five weeks of just suffering and saying, well, I’ve tried everything. I guess I’ll try this Forgiveness.

With all else. With all else, forgive, forgive. And when we say forgiveness, forgiveness simply means to release and let it go.

It happened. I release it, and I. And let go. I said it.

I release it, and I let it go. I did it. Yes.

I release it, and I let it go. So it’s to admit and to take responsibility and then to release it and let it go. To release any guilt, any shame, any condemnation, any bitterness, any resentment, frustration that you might have as it relates to it, to be able to let it go.

Yes, Dawn. So how were you able to let it go? Well, I tell you, I guess it was around six weeks. I hadn’t been eating.

I was balled up like some little infant. I hadn’t done anything. But I sat up and I said, you know what? I’m going to make this list of people that I have not forgiven, and I am going to do it today.

And I’m going to take some time. I’m going to forgive myself. Well, first, I lit my candle.

What is the lighting the candle about? Lighting the candle, for me is me getting energy, is me focusing on exactly what I need to do. It gives me a place to concentrate. It gives me a focus.

It gives me that light. God is light. And it gives me that light.

It gives me that energy. The energy just permeates between me and that light. Gotcha.

So I. I prayed. I prayed and I prayed about forgiveness. I prayed about forgiving myself and realizing that what I did actually was not who I am.

Separating them from who I am and what I did, what I said and who I am. Because that’s a key component. I love what you said.

Separating the two. Forgiveness is not pretending that you didn’t do it. You didn’t say it.

It’s not pretend that you weren’t hurt by what somebody else said or it didn’t cause you pain because. But you separate yourself from the words and the events or even the places that you may have been and say, okay, this is what I said. This is what I did.

This is where I’ve been. But this is not who I am. Who I am.

So when I. You say it’s not who you are. Who do you define yourself as? Well, I define myself as a unique, unrepeatable expression of the divine. That’s who I am.

Wow. That’s who I am. And I know that I’m that.

And that’s so challenging because so many people define themselves by their age, by their race, by their gender, their education, their socioeconomic status, their orientation, their family dynamic, credit history, their physical, mental, emotional challenges. Like, I’m a diabetic, you know, they defeated themselves, you know, by something other than them being a unique, unrepeatable expression of the divine. I know that.

I know that that’s who I am. I know it because I’m here having this conversation with you today. The thing is that I wrote, and I didn’t even realize it was this many people, but I wrote down 12 names.

Wow. I made number 13. I was number one.

I guess I needed to forgive myself in order to forgive the other people. And I sat and I wrote a letter to each of them. Not necessarily.

I did not mail them. I did not burn them. I have them.

I have them because it’s important to me that every now and then, I’m able to go back and remind myself, wow. So that when I get to that next one, there won’t be a next one. I say all the time that I’ve reached so much into forgiveness, that I forgive people before they even do something, but so that I don’t have that to worry about.

And so then I’m there, and I’m writing these letters. I put a period at the end of the last sentence of the 12th person, and I was able to just get up out of the bed. Wow.

Go to the kitchen and get something to eat. And it was just a miracle. It was a miracle.

And in that miracle, it just brought me closer to God because I said, here I am again, going through something that is supposed to be My demise and realizing that I am getting yet another purpose for my life. Wow. Realizing that now I can actually not have to listen to other people tell me about what happened to them and say, yeah, right.

But to actually be able to say, this happened, I’m not going from a book or a story from somebody else. This happened with me. This happened inside of me.

This opened a bigger door for me, and I will not screw it up. All right, so once you made the food and you had the strength as a result of the forgiveness process, how are you living your life differently now? Oh, my gosh. I tell you what.

I let no grass grow under my feet. Listen, I promise myself that I will go somewhere outside of my usual, normal, everyday stuff. I will take a trip once a month.

Wow. I will take a trip once a month. And I have done that.

I have done that all the way to even my. Listen. 76 at my first Masquerade Ball, won second place, first Masquerade Ball ever in my life.

Wow. And it is just tremendous. And now it’s one of these things where I can see things on television and hear about things on television and say, I think I’ll do that.

And then I go do it. And the thing about it is, because of the freedom I have given myself, I think clear, God provides me with everything that I need. I used to hear people say it all the time, if I don’t have it, I don’t need it.

If I need it, I will have it. Let me tell you, it’s the truth. It’s the truth.

And every single time I get ready to go on a trip, I get an email from Southwest telling me about some deal, and I immediately, the wheels just start turning. What can I do? Where can I go? Wow. So you’ve been traveling and spending more time with your family and your friends and just enjoying life.

Join life and knowing that there’s no limit to what you can be, do, and have. And that is definitely living the dream, coming back from the dead. Amen.

That you have risen from the dead and risen to a new life. A new life and a new consciousness. And you look so different.

You look so healthy and so preserved. I feel it. I feel it.

I feel different. I feel preserved. Of course, you know, there’s still some things I need to work on, like drinking water.

Enough water. Okay. There’s some things I’m not.

I’m not at a point now where I can tell you I’m doing everything I should do, but I know what I need to do. And I continue to work on getting that to work. Yes.

Because I’m on my third idea of how to drink water now. I’m doing a little better now. But you know, they’re just things that.

But it gives me joy to be able to even have a clear enough mind to think about it and to put things into action. I love that. I love the life I live.

I learned this from you. I said all the time. I love my whole life.

I love my whole life. I love my whole life. So thank you so much for being with us today and sharing your story of living the dream.

Yes. To have a second chance at life. Yes.

And to be able to co create with God the life that you desire and the life that you deserve. Well, this healing, health and wholeness looks good on you. And you’ve given our audience some real tips about living healthy lifestyle.

Journaling, lighting the candle and connecting with energy, writing letters to release and to be able to forgive, to be able to drink more water, which you’re working on, to travel and enjoy life and to know that just because somebody else did it one way, you don’t have to do it that way. That’s right. When you refuse the chemo and the radiation.

And you also opened our minds today to endless possibilities that miracles, signs and wonders still happen today. Well, thank you so much for being our guest. My pleasure, my pleasure.

Mental note and I’m telling our audience today we are continuing to live the dream. I’ve got so, so many guests that are planned that are going to come and share with you their dreams and how they are living them so that you might be empowered to live your dream, to be your best self and to live your best life. Again, this is Dr. Pulley with the mental note where we give you practical strategies for living a holistically healthy, balanced and well rounded life.

Sam.