Welcome to the Mental Note Podcast. I’m your host, Dr. Derard Pulley, and we’re so glad to be with you today. Today we are talking about sexuality and spirituality.

It’s going to be a hot topic, but before we get into it, let me tell you a little bit more about myself. I am a minister and a mental health professional and my goal is to bridge the gap between psychology and spirituality, between theology and psychology. And so we are so grateful to be with you today and to be able to share these podcasts.

The Mental Note is designed to put some something on your mind, to give you something to think about, something to pull apart and something to bring back together, to provide with you practical strategies so that you can live a holistically healthy, balanced and well rounded life. So again, I’m grateful to be with you today on this version of the Mental Note podcast. And today we’re talking about sexuality and spirituality.

Now I got this question that came up yesterday from one of my clients that they were asking me and they said, aren’t you a minister? I said, yes, I am. And they said, don’t you know that I am gay? And I said, okay. They said, you’ve never judged me about that.

And how is it that you’re able to be a minister and work with me as a gay man and not have any judgment, any condemnation? Does this interfere with your spirituality? Does this interfere with your religion? Do you really care for me as a client or are you just putting on this facade because you really believe that my lifestyle is wrong? And they were all very valid questions. And I thought if this client had this question, maybe there were some other people out there in the audience and that might
have that same question about sexuality and spirituality. How do we bridge that gap? How do we bring our theology and our sexuality together? How do we marry those two and make them one so that we can be at peace? Some people are uncomfortable with their own sexuality.

They are uncomfortable with the marriage of their spirituality with that sexuality. So some people don’t go to church because of the discrimination that they often feel as it relates to their orientation. Some people do not participate in spiritual communities because they don’t feel comfortable.

They don’t feel that they are loved. They do not feel that they are accepted. They feel like they’re baited in.

And then once they get in, then people try to change them or show them that their lifestyle is wrong. So they, the client really wanted to know, how do I do this with such ease and breeze to be able to give them that Unconditional positive regard as a client and be a minister as well. And so today we’re going to talk about sexuality and spirituality.

I think that this is a very important topic, especially as in the United States, they’re working with the idea of there only being two genders, male and female. So what about the people who do not label themselves as male, male or female? What about the people who see themselves as non binary or transgender? How do they fit into the matrix of what’s going on in the United States of America? And some of my clients are of various orientations, and they’re feeling uncomfortable, they’re feeling
anxiety, they’re feeling wary, they’re feeling stressed about what is my fate in this country. And they’re coming to counseling to get support, to get encouragement, to be able to cope with the stress of the changes that are happening in our culture, especially in the United States of America.

So, first of all, the way that I see every person is as a spiritual being that is taken on human form. I believe that we are all spiritual beings, that beyond the natural, that there’s something supernatural about each one of us, that beyond the physical, there is something spiritual about each one of us, that beyond what is earthly, that there’s something heavenly about each one of us, beyond what is visible, I believe that there is an invisible part of us which is spirit, beyond what is
tangible, what we can touch and feel, that there is another part of us that is intangible. And so I see every person in the counseling arena, every person who comes to my office, every client, as a spiritual being, that that’s how I look at them.

And it is by seeing people as spiritual beings that I’m able to connect with them and see my oneness with them. Because we’re all spiritual beings. And so I’m connecting them, connecting with them not just as a human being, but as a spiritual being, beyond whatever the external might be, beyond whatever the labels might be, whatever way that people identify themselves or classify themselves, distinguish themselves or beyond any demographic.

I see every person as a spiritual being. And I see myself one with every person because I see us all as spiritual beings. And one of the reasons why is because we’re all breathing.

I believe that our very nature is spiritual because we’re breathing. And that breath connects all of us. The fact that we’re all breathing, to me, makes us all spiritual.

And I can connect with people at the level that we’re all breathing without any alarm clock or mechanism or reminder to tell ourselves to breathe automatically, without our conscious awareness. Of it, we are breathing. We do not tell our hearts to beat or our lungs to expand and contract because we are spiritual beings.

It happens organically. It happens naturally. And so that breath, I believe that breath of life in each person is what makes us spiritual.

And I connect with every person on the breath level. I see every man as my brother. I see every woman as my sister.

I see every child as my child and every person as my sibling in the universe, because we’re all connected by our breath. And that’s why I believe that meditation, mindfulness, and breathing is so important, because it helps us to connect with the spiritual aspect of who we are. And it helps us to connect and to see other people as spiritual beings as well.

And so today we’re talking about sexuality and spirituality. So when I see a person as a spiritual being and whatever is happening in the physical as a form, then that means that we’re all one. And that means that whatever way that they are expressing naturally, physically, earthly, it is not who they are, but it is an expression of the divine.

It is the expression. They are, each individual, unique expressions of this breath, expressions of this spirit that has taken on human form. So I get in a lot of trouble with a lot of people seeing people this way, seeing people as spiritual beings.

So that means that our identity is not based upon any demographic. And so somebody would look at me and say, oh, you’re a black bisexual male who’s Christian. And I say, I am not black.

I am a spiritual being who manifests, who shows up as a black person. But black is not who I am. African American is not who I am.

I am a spiritual being that expresses in this lifetime, in this iteration, in this incarnation as black. A lot of people hold on to race, and that is their identity. They identify themselves by their race.

I feel that race is just an expression. It’s a way that I express myself. It’s a way that I manifest, but it is not who I am.

I’m not bisexual. I’ve had various experiences with various people over my lifetime, and I don’t wear that label of bisexual. I am a spiritual being that expresses love, that expresses intimacy in that way, but it is not who I am.

It is an expression, kind of like a facial expression. It can change. It does not.

It does not have to be permanent. So it gives people the freedom to explore, to learn, to grow, to connect and identify themselves in various ways. Because none of those things are who they are.

Just kind of like hair. You know, hair is an expression. My hair is not who I am, but it’s a way that I express myself.

I can wear my hair short, I can wear my hair long. I can be bald. I can add color to it.

I can have curls in it. I can have it straight. All of these different versions of hair are expressions.

I’m expressing myself in this way, but my hair does not define me. And no label, no distinction, no demographic defines our identity. I see every person as a spiritual being.

So I wouldn’t even say that I was a man. I am a spiritual being who expresses as a man. That’s how I am expressing.

That is how I am manifesting. That’s how I’m showing up. But it is not who I am.

It is an expression of. Of who I am. That even being a Christian or new Thought Christian, my religion, my denomination, my political affiliation is not who I am.

It is an expression. It is a way that I am manifesting and showing up, but it’s not who I am. And so it is important that when we see people from that spiritual lens, when we connect people at the breath with people at the breath level, then all of those isms, racism, classism, sexism, ageism, ableism, all of those orientationism, that’s a word that I’ve coined, orientationism, that all of those things that separate us and divide us, they lose their power when we see ourselves and see every person
as a spiritual being.

So when I’m with a client in therapy and they may express as gay, bisexual, transgender, lesbian, queer, whatever the label is, it doesn’t matter because it does not define them. It’s not going to determine how I treat them. Because every person as a spiritual being is worthy of love.

It’s worthy of respect. I treat people the way that I desire to be treated, regardless of what appears to be a difference. And so I believe that all of these differences that we hold on, all of these labels that we hold on to stand in the way of us really being one, of us really having diversity, inclusion, and equity that in order to have that, we must see ourselves as one.

We see our union with one another, and we see whatever the physical is, that diversity as opportunities for us to connect and to learn more about different people, about different places and different things. But we’re all one. We’re all spiritual beings.

We may express that in different ways, in different forms, but I connect with every person at the level of breath because we are all spiritual beings, and we’re all human beings having a physical form. And so when I balance that spirituality and our humanity, that it causes me to accept, to embrace all people, no matter how they are expressing or showing up in their sexuality. And so sexuality, again, is an expression.

It’s not who I am. It’s a way that I love. And so many times people make sexuality about sex.

And you would think because it said people say homosexual, bisexual, gay, heterosexual, that it’s about sex, but I really believe it’s about our ability and our capacity to love in a romantic way. That every person who is expressing as a heterosexual may not be having sex. They may be celibate, but their attraction, their dreams, their experiences, their desires create that orientation.

Again, their attractions, their fantasies, their desires, their experiences create that orientation, but that’s not who they are. It is an expression. And whether they act on that orientation or not, it does not make them who they are.

It is an expression. And so regardless of how we label ourselves, the truth is that every person desires to be happy. Every person desires to be loved.

Every person desires to be accepted. And so I see people on a continuum of tolerance, acceptance, and celebration. Again, I see people on a continuum of tolerance, acceptance and celebration.

And depending on where we are with ourselves determines how we experience, interact and relate to other people. The more tolerant I am of myself, the more tolerant I am of others, the more accepting I am of myself, the more accepting I am of others, the more that I celebrate myself, the more that I am able to celebrate others. And so, as people are expressing their sexuality, their gender in various ways, some people are at the point of just tolerating, just being able to put up with it, because
that’s where they are on the continuum.

I’m just able to tolerate. I’m just able to put up with it and not give discrimination or not express prejudice in a physical way, in a visceral way. So I’m just tolerant.

I’m just. I’m putting up with. I wish I could change it.

I can’t. So I’m going to tolerate it. And that’s often where people are when it comes to dealing with people of different orientations, is that they start off often getting to the place of tolerance.

And I believe that’s a love continuum. To be able to just say, okay, I don’t like it, I don’t agree with it, but I’m going to tolerate it. I’m not going to speak any words that are against you or hurtful.

I’m not going to do anything to discri against you or to manifest prejudice against you, but I don’t like it. But I’m going to tolerate it. And I believe that that’s a point where we can start.

And if we can start at tolerance, seeing them as a spiritual being, connecting with them at the breath level and starting with that tolerance, I believe that we can grow. And I believe that more that we grow in our spirituality, the more accepting we are of various sexualities. And then I believe that as we continue to grow on this love journey, this wholeness path, this kingdom voyage, that people move from tolerance to acceptance.

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Let us pick up our discussion Acceptance means I can’t change you and I don’t want to change you. I accept you just as you are. I may not fully understand how you are expressing your orientation because it’s not my orientation.

I may not understand your orientation specifically, but I do understand love. And I do understand that we all desire to be loved and to be with a partner and to be able to express that love in various ways that I do understand. So even though I may not understand your specific orientation or your specific gender identity, I can understand as a person that I desire to be loved.

I desire to be accepted and I desire to be able to express that love with the freedom to be able to do that in various ways. And so people on that tact continuum, on that love continuum, as they grow in their own spirituality, they grow in their own acceptance of various sexualities. So people often start with tolerance just being able to.

I wish I could change it, but I can’t. So I’m just going to deal with it. And then as they grow in their spirituality, as they mature in their own holistic growth and development, that they move to a place of acceptance.

I don’t want anybody to change me, so I’m not going to try to change anybody else. I desire to be respected so I’m going to respect everyone. I desire to be loved, so I’m going to love everyone because we are all in this thing together called life.

We’re all spiritual beings breathing and living and experiencing life and dealing with the complexities and the paradoxes of life. And so I’m going to accept you. And people often pray the serenity prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change. And I add my own little spin in there, other people to change, the courage to change the things that I can myself, and the wisdom to know the difference. So acceptance doesn’t mean that I understand, it doesn’t mean that I agree, but it means that I accept you and I’m not trying to change you to be anything other than the expression that you are expressing.

I believe it’s a expression of God. I believe that we all are the face of God. And there is a part of God that looks like each one of us.

So we each are unique, unrepeatable expressions of the divine of God. I believe that we all are made in the image and the likeness of God. And we are expressing God.

We are expressing good in a plethora of ways. So as we continue to grow in our spirituality and our maturity and our love of ourself, that we move from acceptance to celebration. Now, celebration means that I celebrate who you are.

I don’t just accept it, I celebrate it. I encourage you to express yourself in a way that feels meaningful, in a way that feels authentic to you. I encourage you.

I celebrate your choices. I celebrate the way that you are expressing. I celebrate you and I celebrate your orientation.

I celebrate your race. I celebrate your gender. I celebrate your religious or political.

I celebrate you and your right to be able to express in that way and to be able to make those choices. And so I celebrate you. And so with various distinctions, people are on various places on that continuum.

There are some places where we are in a place of tolerance. There are other places in our lives we’re in a place of acceptance. And there are other places in our lives where we’re in a place of celebration.

And so really, I believe that every person desires to be celebrated, not just to be tolerated. That’s just a starting point. And I think that we need to keep growing until we get to the point of celebration.

Who wants to be tolerated? We all desire to be celebrated for the unique expressions of this breath, of this spirit, of this universe, of this divine that we are. So when I have a client sitting before me, I’m connecting with them on the breast level, and so I’m one with them. I’m connecting with them as a spiritual being, so I’m one with them.

And I encourage people who are feeling anxious and worried about different laws being changed in past to go back to their breath, to go back to the energy of who they really are, and to realize that this is an expression, that. I believe that all sexuality is a gift, because everybody can’t express love in that particular way. So it is a gift.

So I believe that a person who is heterosexual, or straight as they call it, I believe heterosexuality is a gift. But I do not believe that heterosexuality is any more a gift than homosexuality or somebody being gay. I believe that’s a gift.

To be able to love a person of the same gender with all the challenges and complexities that come along with that, to be able to love a person of the same gender and a gender in a romantic eros kind of way, I believe that’s a gift. I believe to be able to love someone who is the opposite gender or who identifies as the opposite gender is a gift. With all the complexities and challenges that come.

They often say men are from Mars and women are from Venus, or maybe it’s the other way around, but with all the complexity. To be able to love, to be able to choose to love someone who is different from you, to be able to love someone who is the same as you in so many ways, it’s a gift. I believe that bisexuality is a gift.

To be able to be able to love someone and connect with people of various genders, I believe that that’s a gift as well, because everybody can’t do that. And I believe the people who identify as pansexual, I believe that’s also a gift. To move beyond gender and labels and just to focus on your connection with another person and to be able to be intimate and love them and express love through that kind of diversity, I believe that is a gift.

So our sexuality is a gift. And so it connects with spirituality in the sense that it is a gift. It is a gift that comes from God.

I believe a person who expresses as a male. I believe that male identity is a gift. I believe a person who expresses as a female, I believe that female identity is a gift.

I believe a person who expresses as a transgender man or transgender woman, I believe that’s a gift. Because everybody is not able to do that. Everyone is not able to deal with all the.

Because whatever way that we love, there are challenges that come along with that. And to be able to move through those challenges and still love is a gift. And whatever way we express our gender and to deal with all of the complexities and challenges of that gender and still love ourselves, it is a gift.

So when we connect with people on the breath level, when we see all of us as spiritual beings, when we see all sexuality as a gift, then it is easy. It is easy. It is our perception, it is our view that causes us to have challenges with diversity, inclusion and equity.

But when we see all people as light, when we see all spirituality as a gift, regardless of your religion, it’s a gift to be able to believe that and to be able to practice that particular faith tradition, it’s a gift. So I respect and accept you as the gift that you are, the expression that you are, the way that you’re showing up, the way that you are manifesting. I believe the one word of this universe is love.

Uni, one verse word. The one word of the universe is love. And so as we move beyond our let’s just sing it about sex and sing it about love and a person’s ability to love, then we see it as a gift.

When we see that our call on this earth is to be able to love everyone. Notice I didn’t say everybody, but love everyone. That love everyone keeps us focused on the breath, on the spirit, on the oneness, on the unity.

Everybody keeps us in the physical, and we’re trying to move beyond the physical to be able to connect with every person, person on a breath level, on a spiritual level. And so I am able to embrace all people in the counseling room. It doesn’t matter how they were born and may have been born as a sixth man or CIS woman, it doesn’t matter.

They’re going through a change if they are exploring different sexual experiences as they discovering who they are. I meet them with unconditional love. I meet them with respect.

I meet them with honor, because I connect with them at the breath level. And I realize that however they are showing up, whatever labels that they are using to identify themselves, that that is just an expression of where they are in this moment, in this particular lifetime. And I’m able to connect with every person when I make it about love and not about sex.

Because as we grow in our spirituality, we grow in our tolerance, our acceptance, our celebration of all people, of all places and of all things. It has been my absolute pleasure to be with you for this episode of the Mental Note podcast. I hope that I have put something on your mind that I’ve given you something to think about.

You don’t have to agree with what I’m saying, but if I got you thinking that my work is done, that I’ve put something on your mind, giving you something to think about, something to pull apart, and something to bring back together, that I’ve given you some tips, some strategies to help you live a holistically healthy, balanced and well rounded life. This is not our first podcast. This is not our only podcast.

You can go back and see hear various episodes. If you Google Dr. Darrell Pulley or Dr. Pulley and podcast, all the different podcasts that I’ve done will come up and you’ll be able to listen to various episodes of the podcast that I have done. And we’ll have more guest speakers.

We’ll talk about more hot topics on the Mental Note podcast. Sam.