Welcome to the mental note. I’m Dr. Durar Pulley and this is my very first podcast. The Mental Note is giving you an opportunity to think, to give you something to think about, to put on your mind, to give you something to pull apart and something to bring back together, to provide some healthy coping mechanisms, to kind of deal with the day to day issues of life, to reach that goal of living a holistically healthy, balanced and well rounded life.

So during this episode, I desire to tell you how I even got into the mental health profession. It’s not like as a child, I just dreamed of, oh, I just want to be a therapist. I want to be a counselor when I grow up.

That was not what I said. I said that I desired to be a minister. As a little boy, I always enjoyed going to church and I always felt at home at church.

Even after church would come with my cousins and we play church after church. And so I always looked forward to being a preacher, being a minister. That’s what I thought that I was going to be.

But it came to a point in my life. I was 22 years old and my wife of 11 months, she died. She transitioned 10 days after our twin daughters were born.

When we got married, she was a size 8. And by the end of her pregnancy, she was a size 28. And again, shortly after our daughters were born, she died.

And so I was a single parent of twin daughters. And I needed therapy because I was angry with God. I was angry with my wife for leaving me.

I was angry with the church people because they didn’t know what to say. I just had a lot of anger as a result of being a single parent, a single dad, and now a widower. And so I knew that it was time for me to go to therapy because I was pastoring a church.

And one of the members said, what are we going to do? Our first lady has died. The pastor’s wife. How are we going to have a church without a pastor’s wife? And I was like a pastor’s wife, a first lady.

I’m concerned about having a wife for me. I’m concerned about having a mother for my children. And I was just so angry.

I said, you know what? I need to step down from being a pastor of a church and being a minister, a spiritual leader. And I need to focus on me getting some help to process the events that have taken place in my life. And I need to focus on learning how to be a dad, how to be a single parent.

I had no prep for it, not with Just one child, but with two children and identical twin girls, Brittany and Courtney, they just had their 32nd birthday. And I needed a lot of support. I didn’t know who I was, where I was going, what I was going to do with my life.

I was very confused and very angry and I went to counseling. And counseling gave me access to like a whole new life. It gave me access to a whole new world.

And going through counseling, I was able to get, get some healthy coping mechanisms to kind of deal with the day to day stresses of being a dad and making bottles and changing diapers and doing hair and burping babies. And I was a stay at home dad for two years. I decided to stay home with my daughters until they were able to talk and knew all their body parts and were potty trained.

So I was home for two years and during those two years I was in therapy, I was in counseling, processing my anger, processing my hurt, my disillusionment of being a newlywed and now being a single dad with twin daughters. And so I learned that there was a me outside of the roles of being a pastor, being a father, being a son, being all these different roles that I had. I learned that there was a person that was fulfilling all of these roles that I was not the sum of all the roles that I was
playing, that I was more than a title, more than a position, more than a role, more than a responsibility.

I was a person. And so I learned how to get to know myself, how to love myself, to take time for self care. I learned all of that in therapy.

And the anger, you know, I was able to process that through that because what was making me angry is that in the church they were saying these tried and true sayings of Earth has no sorrow, that heaven cannot heal. God is too wise to make a mistake. God needed a flower in God’s garden.

So God took your wife Alicia. That God needed a jewel and God’s crown. So God took your wife Alicia.

And as they said these things, I just became irate. The more they said these pet phrases, and I had said them too as a minister, the more angry I became and the more frustrated I was. And what I learned is that a lot of the ministers that were my colleagues, and they hadn’t really been trained in mental health, they hadn’t really been trained to sit with people in their pain, they were able to give a prayer, a scripture, a song, but really sitting with people in their pain and helping them to
process through it, they didn’t have any experience in that.

And I was planning to go to seminary as well. And I looked at the curriculum, and there was like, two. Two classes in pastoral care out of 90 credits about the Bible and all different spirituality and religion.

But there was only, like, two courses in pastoral care and counseling. And so I learned that they just didn’t know any better. They didn’t know how to be with people in their pain.

And so even though I had a bachelor’s degree in religion and theology, instead of getting a master’s degree in divinity, I decided to go to Loyola University in Maryland and get a master’s degree in pastoral counseling. Because I felt like the gift that counseling gave me, I desired to give it to other people. That the help that I received in therapy, I desired to give it to other people.

I desired to have that tongue of the learn that I might speak a word in wisdom to someone who is weary. And so I went to Loyola once. My daughters were 2, and I had finished my own therapy, and I went there to become a pastoral counselor.

And people was like, pastoral counseling? What is that? What is a pastoral counselor? Are you a pastor who does counseling? Are you a counselor who counsels pastors? What is a pastoral counselor? And it was a new field that was breaking during that time where they were bringing the spiritual dimension to the therapeutic environment and marrying mental health and psychology with theology. That a part of who we are as human beings is that we are spiritual beings. We’re not just body and soul, but
spirit, soul and body.

And so through the pastoral counseling program, I learned to look at people holistically, to see them spiritually, mentally, emotionally, as well as physically, not just body and soul, and to be able to be open to that spiritual dynamic in the therapeutic situation. And so I went to Loyola, and I did very well there. And then it came to the part to move from just the theory of counseling to doing the practice of counseling in order to be able to graduate and to be licensed as a licensed
professional counselor.

And again, this was back in Maryland, and we needed 3,000 hours of supervised counseling in order to be a therapist. And I had a placement in an inner city Catholic High School, St. Francis Academy. And the clients were hit and miss.

Like, if students were out of school, then I didn’t get hours that week, summer break, Thanksgiving break, Christmas break, Holy week, spring breaks, I didn’t get clients, or if a student had a test and they couldn’t come to therapy because they had a test or a quiz or a presentation or a project, that they didn’t come to counseling. And so I was not getting the hours that I needed. And one of the nuns said to me, she said, well, I know a place you can get hours.

She said, they’re looking for therapists, and they have plenty of clients. And I said, but where is that? And she said, down the street, there’s this center for people with sexually deviant behaviors. And she says they always.

People don’t want to work with that population, but they need lots of therapists, and there are lots of people there that need help. And I was like, I don’t know if I desire to deal with sex offenders. And so I was like, I don’t know about that.

So I was kind of hesitant. But again, I needed the hours. And so she said, well, I’m working there.

Come and try it out. And I tried it out, and I went there, and my heart kind of opened for them because they needed help just like everybody else. And that’s one of the things that I learned and becoming a counselor and through the theory and the practices that everybody needs support, that no matter our title, our position, how much money we have, what kind of car we drive or what kind of house we live in, we all need support.

That therapy doesn’t mean that you’re crazy. Counseling doesn’t mean that you are crazy. It just means that you need support, that you need a safe place to be able to talk about and work through what’s going on with you.

And so I began to be that safe place for the clients there. And my heart began to open and see that what they were doing was as a result of 99% of the time, what was done to them, unresolved issues in their childhood. And I just began to see that everybody.

Can you support that? Everybody has something in their lives that they’re working on to be their best selves, to live their best lives. And sometimes people get stuck and they need support. Sometimes something happens in life, we call it an adjustment disorder.

Like maybe a loved one transitions, like in my case with Alicia, or maybe it’s a job transition, adjusting to being in a new city or a new house or a change in life, like getting married or getting separated or getting divorced or even being promoted. That in life, there changes. And really the only thing consistent in life is change.

And so how do we navigate through those changes? How do we talk through each other and work through those changes? When we become overwhelmed and we feel frustrated, how do we work through it? Who do we talk to about what’s really going on with us? People say, well, how you doing? Oh, I’m doing great. Oh, I’m doing wonderful. But on the inside, sometimes we’re really struggling with just life and the day to day adjustments that happen in life.

And so counseling was a safe place for me when my wife transitioned. Counseling was a safe place for the students at St. Francis for them to be able to work through what they were going through. And counseling was also a safe place for my clients who were sex offenders.

So I was seeing that no matter our age, our race, our gender, our orientation, educational level, socioeconomic status, credit history, criminal background, religion, denomination, political affiliation, that no matter our physical, mental, emotional challenges, that there comes a time in our lives when we all need support. And counseling is that place where we can get the support that we need. Because it’s a neutral, non biased third party.

That they’re there, that we are here to give you that unconditional positive regard, that we’re there to create that safe space where you can deal with maybe things that happen in your childhood or issues that you’re dealing with in the workplace or in school or wherever those issues are occurring, with family members, with friends, that you have a safe place to talk about it. And you know that you’re not going to be judged. You know that you’re going to be loved, that you’re going to be heard,
that you’re going to be seen, that you’re going to be accepted and that support is going to be given and strategies are going to be given to be able to empower you to work through whatever comes up in your life.

That it’s not really realistic to think that things are not going to happen in life, that your life is just going to be smooth sailing all the way. That’s not really realistic. The truth is, is that in life stuff happens and to the best of people, things happen, unexpected things.

And sometimes we don’t always make the highest and best decisions and we have to work through the consequences for our actions. And it doesn’t always feel good. And we need a safe place to kind of work through some things and talk through some things and to learn healthy coping mechanisms.

Because a lot of times when things come up in our lives, people use unhealthy coping mechanisms and they deal with addictions. That’s another thing I deal with a lot with my clients. That people working through addictions, maladaptive behaviors that are not really healthy coping mechanisms.

In fact, they’re unhealthy coping mechanisms that sometimes people reach for alcohol, drugs, gambling, to kind of escape what’s going on and not really address what they are thinking what they’re feeling. Maybe it’s chocolate, maybe it’s coffee. Something to alter their mood.

And so those unhealthy coping mechanisms take us deeper and deeper where we become dependent on some other person, some other place, some other thing, some other substance or behavior or activity to alter our mood. There are a lot of junk websites on the Internet, cluttered, neglected and forgotten. Nobody wants to visit a site with outdated information, broken links, and security vulnerabilities.

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And so I learned in therapy that I was enough and that everything I needed was inside of me to live a happy, healthy, prosperous and successful life. And I didn’t have to be dependent on something outside of me to get me through my life. And so counseling was just that powerful tool for me.

Again, I did the classes, I did well with the classes, I did the internship at the school and I supplemented it with working at the center with the sex offenders. And I was finally able to get license as a therapist. And I’ve been a therapist for over 28 years.

And I really was like, okay, I’ve taken the classes, I’m licensed, you know, what am I going to do? Am I going to work in an agency? Am I going to apply for a full time job? Am I going to start my own practice? What am I going to do? And so I decided that I desired to be, you know, my own person and do my own practice. And I was nervous about it because I didn’t really know how that worked. And so I was out to dinner with some friends and there was a guy there and he’s like, well, what do you do?
Because we were all ministers.

And he said, well, what do you do outside of, of preaching and teaching? I said, well, I just became A licensed therapist. And he was like, really? That’s cool. And I told him about pastoral counseling and bringing that spiritual dimension into the counseling situation.

And he was like, that sounds really, really interesting. He said, you know what? I’m going to be your first client. And I was like, for real? He was like, yes, I’m going to be your first client.

And he was. And he was consistent. And I said, well, I don’t.

I’m not, you know, paneled with the insurance companies and stuff like that, so I can’t really take insurance until I get paneled with all these insurance agencies. And he said, I’ll just pay out of pocket, you know. And he.

He paid out of pocket what he was able to afford. And he said, I’m going to build your counseling practice. And I was like, huh? He was like, I’m gonna make sure you always have clients.

And to this day, 70% of my clients, 28 years later, go back to this initial client that I had. It’s like, just by word of mouth. And it kept going.

And I never took insurance. I don’t take insurance now. I do a sliding fee scale where people pay what they can afford.

And I also do pro bono clients, and I’ve never turned anyone away. And with pro bono clients, I’ve learned that people need to invest something, you know, even if it’s a dollar, $5, $10, which is considered pro bono because they’re not paying the normal $100 plus for a session that I tithe my time, my talent, and my treasure, that out of every 10 clients, I take one of them at that lower rate, at that pro bono rate. Because I realized being able to work with people is a gift.

It’s a gift that God has given me. So I’m not in it for the money. I’m not in it for any other reason other than to help people.

So I’ve never turned anyone away. I’ve never advertised, and I’ve never taken insurance. And for 28 years, I’ve always had clients, and I’ve always had a waiting list.

Even when I moved from Maryland to Florida, you know, people, my clients, they went virtual. They did some desire to stay with me, even virtually, and I built up clients in this Tampa Bay area. But it’s all been kind of organic.

It just kind of flows. And somebody tells somebody else, and somebody tells somebody else they have a positive experience and they share it with somebody else, or they learn a skill or strategy and they share it with somebody else. And it has grown over these 28 years, and I have enjoyed it.

It is so fulfilling to see someone heal mentally. It is so fulfilling to be a part of the process of someone healing emotionally. There are no words to describe that fulfillment, that sense of satisfaction that I feel knowing that I’ve helped someone work through a childhood trauma or to get an addiction under control, or even to connect with psychologists or psychiatrists because they need additional services beyond counseling, and they get the support and that they need, and they’re able to
grow, they’re able to thrive in their lives because they were able to work through that trauma, that drama, and their lives.

And so it has been such a rewarding career to be able to have a positive impact on people and for people to be able to share it with others. I’ve worked with individuals. I’ve worked with couples.

I’ve worked with families. I’ve worked with groups. I’ve had the privilege of being a counseling supervisor, to be able to train other therapists.

I’ve also had the honor of being a professor and teaching people how to become therapists. The theoretical as well as the practical part of it as well. And it has been such a rewarding career that I never saw coming.

It was through my wife’s transition and my own pain, and that I discovered my purpose, that this is really what I came to this planet to do. You know, I still preach, I still teach, but I really feel like this is a really, really important part of my purpose and my call to help people to find that safe place, to be able to process their thoughts and their feelings and be able to work through things that have hindered them from progressing, that have stopped them from moving forward, to be able to
overcome obstacles that stand in the way of them really being the person that they desire to be and really living the life that they desire and the life that they deserve. I’m just so full of gratitude every time.

And it’s just. It’s. It’s like magic.

And that when one client finishes, there’s another client or two ready to start. It’s just been a very organic, natural flow of just. It’s like the universe sends to me people who need that kind of support, who need what I have to offer.

And every therapist is different, and it’s important to find one where you connect and feel safe and feel comfortable. But the major thing is that you’re getting that unconditional love, you’re getting that positive regard. Because I believe that if we can create an environment, an atmosphere where people feel safe, that we can work through anything where People feel seen and heard and understood, and people are genuinely interested in them and their journey.

Whatever unhealthy habits or stuck places in our lives, we can really work through it. We can heal, we can become, we can overcome, we can unfold and be the best version of ourselves. A big part of counseling is dealing with feelings.

You know, we talked about earlier how everybody kind of smiles and says, oh, I’m wonderful. You know, you know, the pet. The pet phrase, oh, I’m fine, but have those deeper thoughts and feelings that are unprocessed.

And when we. They’re not processed, we eat about them, we drink about them, we smoke about them, we sex about them, because they’re thoughts and feelings that we’ve not processed. And so we use other things, people, places, things, substance, behaviors, activities, to process what we’re not consciously working through.

So unconsciously, we’re spending an inordinate amount of time on our cell phones, gaming, you know, losing ourselves and. And some other thing other than really dealing with what’s going on with us. And so a big part of therapy is working through your feelings.

And we all have feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are.

And that anger that I had with God, the therapist said to me, it’s okay to be angry with God. And I was like, really? She was like, yes, it’s okay to be angry with God. It’s a relationship.

And so what relationship do you have where everybody. Everybody does exactly what you want them to do and you never get angry with them? And so it took my. Even.

It took my therapy, took my spirituality and my relationship with God to another dimension, because it was no longer just a relationship with God that was based on rules and religion and ritual and regulations, but it was really a relationship where I could be open and honest with God, even about what I was thinking and feeling. And so the therapist kind of gave me permission to be authentic. And I adopted this phrase that I work with my clients and I often speak about in different platforms.

And it’s a. It’s a funny little phrase. It kind of rhymes.

It just simply says, when I feel ideal so I can heal, keep it real, and God is revealed. I’m gonna say it again. When I feel ideal so that I can heal, keep it real, and God is revealed.

So that the thing in therapy is that you’re working with your thoughts and feelings. And many times we discount our thoughts and feelings. Oh, that’s no big deal.

You know, that thought is no big deal. That feeling is no big deal. But if it was enough to elicit a feeling in you, then it’s worth processing.

If it was enough to be a thought that keeps coming to your mind, that it’s worth dealing with. When I feel ideal. Your feelings are gifts from God.

They are gifts for you to pay attention to and not ignore. Because when we ignore what we’re feeling, that leads to low self esteem, poor self image, lack of self worth. Because you’re telling yourself that what I feel is not important.

But I think it’s not important. So if it elicits a feeling in you, deal with it. When I feel, I deal.

I deal with whatever it is that I’m feeling. And remember, feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. And you can be feeling a lot of different feelings that even appear to be contrary about one thing, but it’s okay to feel it instead of, you know, like having a headache.

And people rush to pump a Tylenol or, or Motrin or some Aspirin, Advil to, to mask what they’re feeling with the headache. That’s a lot of times what people do with their emotions and is that we mask it with something else, with a drink, with a smoke, with something to kind of mask what we’re feeling. But underneath of that medicine, that headache is still there.

And underneath of whatever you’re using to mask it, those feelings are still there. Those thoughts are still there. So why not process them? Why not honor yourself and process those thoughts and feelings? And so when I feel ideal so I can heal, the only way to heal yourself, and you have the power to heal yourself by processing and dealing with your emotions, by processing and dealing with your thoughts.

And therapy is that place to help you, to, to support you, to be able to get in touch and to process those thoughts and those feelings. When I feel ideal so that I can heal. Because once you open yourself up to your thoughts and your feelings, other feelings and thoughts that have been suppressed, they’ll start coming up and you’ll start healing those thoughts and feelings.

Things come up and out to be healed. And then when I feel, I deal, I heal. I keep it real.

Which means that we are able to connect with other people at a mental and emotional level because other people are having those same feelings. And you think you’re the only one. Other people are having those same thoughts, but we think we’re the only ones.

So we keep it real with people by opening up and, and sharing our thoughts and our feelings in those safe places. So when you go to therapy, when you go to counseling, it’s probably going to be a different experience because it’s a safe place to process your thoughts and your feelings that you will feel and deal and heal. It’ll keep it real where you’ll be able to connect and relate to other people and you’ll see God revealed.

You’ll see a deeper connection with yourself as a spiritual being, as a person of the universe. You’ll be able to feel that deeper connection with love, with peace, with joy in your life. And so I’m grateful to be able to support people on the journey.

It’s like travelers on a journey and the therapist, the counselor is, is there to support you on the journey. And I’m just so grateful to be able to help people. It’s kind of like as a therapist, one of my professors said you’re always working yourself out of a job, that the goal of therapy is that the person gets to the point where they no longer need you, they need you less and yes, less and less.

So they might start off coming once a week, then as they grow and heal, it might become every other week, every three weeks, once a month, once a quarter, annually as needed. And so because they are learning tools, they’re learning healthy coping mechanisms. And that’s what these podcasts are going to provide is we’re going to talk to different therapists, we’re going to talk, I’m going to talk to some of my former clients and guests that I thought that I would never even have the opportunity to
interview.

They’re going to be on this podcast helping us with these coping mechanisms, these tools, these strategies, practical day to day things that we can use to make our lives better, to make ourselves feel better, so that we can be whole as opposed to fragmented. And so that’s the, that’s the deal. That’s what therapists are there for.

It take. Let’s lose that stigma around therapy and counseling that is something wrong with you. It’s really something right with you when you’re investing in yourself and investing in your healthy self so that you can be your best self and live your best life.

So I’m excited about this Mental Note podcast and I’m just so grateful. I’m just, I’m just kind of feeling reflective and, and tearful. As I’m thinking about my own journey and how it has benefited me and as I think about all the hundreds of people that I’ve supported over the 28 years, I’m just, I’m getting filled up.

And then this new opportunity of this podcast, the Mental Note, to be able to support more people in their holistic growth and development. It’s just so exciting to me, and it’s just something to be excited about. This is just the first one.

There are many, many more to come. I look forward to your feedback. You know, let us know what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling, what you got out of the podcast, how we can make it better.

And I’m excited about the guests that are coming and just having this mental note, a time to take care of your mental and emotional well being. Well, thanks again for listening to the mental note. I’m Dr. Durar Pulley.

I came to put something on your mind to give you something to think about, something to pull apart, and something to bring back together. Because the truth is, you are able to create the life that you desire and the life that you deserve. Sam.